click on the link to the post before this one to read it...it comes up lighter. Doy!

And so it goes

I am in the midst of healing. Much healing. Healing is painful and itchy. But these itches are in places that one cannot easily scratch. Like they aren't physical places. Many years ago I had a dear and intimate friend with whom I shared everything. My life, my soul, the bright and the dark. I had never had such a close and intimate relationship ever before in my life. It was a heady experience. Perhaps I shared too much, perhaps not enough, perhaps it didn't matter. Perhaps I was not the problem; what I did or did not do. Nonetheless, at the end, she used everything she knew about me to tear me open. She did not tell anyone else. She kept my confidence, then. But she tore me into little shreds and scattered me about the room. She attacked my sex life, my deepest secrets were bandied about and made light of, made to seem like defects instead of the wounds or personal parts of me that they are. This was a loved and trusted friend. I know this sounds petty and childish...at least to me. it was a long time ago. But, I have never trusted anyone with a confidence since. Nothing that wasn't already public knowledge or that I was reasonably sure I could stand to have made fun of or made light of or turned on me in wome unforseen way. Yes, this does limit relationships. But, I was so wounded by her behaviour that it has taken me 8 years to be able to admit that. To move from, *What a fucking bitch.* to *That really hurt me.* Do I think she did that intentionally? Do I think she set me up? No, I do not. Which is the single most important fact about the whole situation. She was not a malicious person. She did not set out to hurt me like that. I don't even think she meant it to hurt like it did at the time. I think I was just in the right place at the right time and I was the one who caught the full blast of whatever the hell was going on with her. She wasn't even angry at me. I still don't know what happened. She blamed it on SAD. That's nice. You have a name for what you have. All I have are lots of open wounds. Wounds that hurt so bad there weren't even tears for them. I knew that if the tears started they would never stop. That's why I needed 8 years between the hurt and the healing. It took that long for the wounds to close enough to be able to look at them. Like when you hurt yourself and you know it's bad and you know if you look at it you'll pass out. Like that.

the joy of living

I have made some amazing discoveries lately. No, not lost cities. Just lost Marjies. I have been doing some really difficult work. The kind where you can't really explain what you are doing because it is so fucking internal that no one gets it but you. I tried to tell a few people but, it just wasn't that important to them. It was my work and it was that important only to me. It started as working with/for clarity. I was just not very fucking happy and the Big Book tells me that when I am not happy there is something wrong with ME. So, since I had no clue what that might be...I started with clarity. Which turned into working with honesty. Yep. Being honest with myself came first. Kinda hit me hard, like a punch because I didn't realize I wasn't being honest with myself. After that, there was an amends I needed to make wherein I dragged another person into my self dishonesty (that's a whole 'nother blog) and hurt them. Then, I made this awesome discovery. Honesty leads to freedom which leads to peace, serenity, joy. I found that I wanted to live. The work was worth the price.
I discovered that running from yourself is really hard work and takes a lot of energy and sucks all the joy from life. When I stopped running I found my *still place in my belly* and peace. And a weight was lifted from me that I didn't even realize I was carrying. I thought i had it all worked out in a way that made everybody happy. Everybody but me. I was miserable.
Now, from clarity to honesty to freedom to joy. Let me remember this feeling in my bones. And the nastiness of dishonesty. Lest I forget how much dishonesty hurts and how hard it is to carry around.

In Process

Yep. More will be revealed. I am still processing this new and insightful (strangely - since I've known about this most of my life) information. I don't know if this *new* insight is real or a reaction to some nasty experiences in the past. That is part of my work I guess. Or, the nasty experiences of the past happened because I was trying to force something that wasn't what I really wanted. Surrender and let it happen.

Wow. I was just sitting around not really doing anything when it hit me. Came out of left field. Not that I was unaware of the subject/situation. I've been aware of it since I was 11 years old. But, it was one of those situations where I decided not to decide anything. Not to eliminate any of the *possiblities* or half the population, as a friend of mine says. But, as is wont to happen with me...the situation became clear in an instant. And a stone was lifted from me. A stone that was far heavier than I knew. Well, I'd been lugging it around since I was 11, I gotten used to it's weight. I didn't realize how heavy it was until it was gone. I'm lighter now. I'm still not actually deciding anything. But I don't think that was what the situation called for. It just called for an honest admition of the truth. I've been as truthful as I know how to be, with myself. I didn't fare so well on the other people side. I was asked a point blank question this evening and gave a non answer. The question caused me to doubt myself...big flaw...and I caved. I'll work on that.

Breathing Health

There has been illness aplenty in my near and dear lately. I took my brother to the emergency room with a staph infection in his leg...not that we knew that...but it was red and swollen and he had a wound that would not heal. A big one. Strated as a pimple.
My cousin has been in the hospital for three weeks with intestinal obstructions. One, they could not find. She may still have surgery.
And one of my dearest friends has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer and will be having surgery, etc. on the 12th.
So, I've been working on sending energy to them and on paying attention to my own health, which is excellent. I'd like to keep it that way.I don't think health is accidental.